Talking about Cancer

My Cousin, Dave blogged about the ways cancer is hitting him of late. As I read it, happy to be mentioned and to be clean-living, I wondered if anyone knows more about cancer and death than anyone else. His experience is deeper than mine; although I actually had/have cancer, he’s suffered more loss from it.

And as I hope my blog clarifies, I’ve learned nothing.

Cancer is awful, but so is heart disease, and a host of other things that kill. Cancer has the randomness aspect that makes it so scary, but so do cars, and all the other merciless killers that the USA mostly misses out on.

His perspective was from a witness and as one reaching a certain age where people start dying. I’ve heard it often from older friends that one day they realized that they were in a losing game. More friends are dying at an accelerating pace. That’s the future.

I was counting books on the shelves a couple of years back and realized that I have 60-80 years of books awaiting me at my current pace, assuming I buy no new ones, and that hit me hard. FINITE.

That’s the hardest word for our species. Finite.

I think his Carpe Diem theme is great and I’ve tried to push that direction in this blog–to inspire myself as much as my 3 readers. I’m still lazy and lagging, and nothing really changed. That’s my story: I finally got a life-changing diagnosis and it didn’t work.

More Later

I Like How Time Goes By

Long overdue update.
Sorry for the lapse in posts; I’ve been pretty well and not compelled to provide updates. Still, there have been events and my cancer remains on my mind.

I had a cystoscopy in October and all looked good. The bladder walls aren’t quiet as pink as they once were. As the doctor swung his scope around in there he cut me slightly and the blood falling through the saline solution looked like some otherworldly waterfall.
But our conversation was mostly focused on newspaper articles suggesting his profession should look around inside men less vigorously. He was offended and I know I fall solidly on that same side. Knowledge is good.

The BSG has taken a toll on my bladder tissue and it now takes about 3-5 weeks to really recover, with pain persisting twice that long. It’s been half a year since the last BSG and it still doesn’t feel right. How much is in my dick and how much in my brain I don’t know.

The good news is that I don’t have any BCG scheduled forever as the cystoscopy and fluid collected were clean and the watchfulness Is enough.

I have become an expert on urine these days and notice its quantity and quality every time. I thought I might return to blissfully peeing without thought for blood, particles,or pains. Not the case; I am always aware-in a nice way-that the system is working. And with the knowledge comes the possibility…

I’ll keep typing as time and motivation allow. There are some thoughts I want to get out. For now, I’ll sign off healthy and happy.

Nearing the End of BCG

So another round of BCG is just over. The process is simple, but this time lots of pain and urgency after the second dose. I went in for my third dose mid-May and the nurse saw so much blood on my urine that he suggested a week off. The risk of direct bloodstream infection from the BCG would have likely ended me up hospitalized.

I was still bleeding and sore 5 days later, so I took an additional week off before the last dose.

I’m really glad I did wait as the BSG seems to have a very strong cumulative effect. I have takes two sick days as I peed every 45-60 minutes around the clock. Sleep was bad. I had to force myself to drink the liquids I needed to get better.

There were lots of bladder spasms and general urethral pain. Today is the first day that I approach the bathroom without fear. I’m still going frequently, but less pain.

Also I’m trying to sort out if this will be the last or penultimate series (unless the cancer returns of course.) It will be really nice to just do the semi-annual scope visits. And I’d love to pass on BCG for a while.

At the last Cystoscope visit, Dr said it was a two year process. My nurse thought it was five years for the treatment cycle, so I’m awaiting a decision.

The first few BCGs were pretty easy and I hoped it would stay easy, but this is chemotherapy at some level and it had kicked me.

Looking forward to a healthy June.

More later.

Living Scope to Scope

Visited the urologist yesterday and found the below on the web tonight. Yay!

We will be going to semi-annual visits from quarterly and continuing the BCG for two more treatments:  next week and in October.

There is still an anxiety that goes along with every visit. I told someone the other day that all they had to do was schedule a CAT scan every six months and soon their imagination would begin the process of freaking out and running the emotional wave of worry/relief. It has nothing to do with actually having cancer; it’s the continual looking that gets me wigged out.

________

SOURCE OF SPECIMEN:  A Bladder Wash
GROSS DESCRIPTION:  90 ml clear yellow fluid: 1 SurePath slide prepared.
CLINICAL HISTORY:  Bladder cancer

Diagnosis:  Negative for malignancy.

Adequacy:  Satisfactory for evaluation.

Close and No Cigars

I really want to smoke a celebratory cigar. All the good health news and the slow return of front porch weather makes the pull of a good cigar strong. But that’s a “risk factor” of course and I can’t bring myself to do anything so deliberate that might feed my cancer.
I’ve smoked a few dozen cigars in the past ten years, but not enough to trigger anything. Even my doctor scoffed at four or five cigars a year; no risk, he said.

But now my cute cigar box with slicer, lighter, and accessories sits on a basement shelf (and the two-year-old cigars inside must be near dust now.) It’s kind of a stinky habit but it was my only real vice. Damn it.

So the news is good. Clear cystoscopy in January, and if I’m clear in April, we’ll go to every six months, which is good half as often. BCG treatments will continue every six months, but I don’t expect another painful episode like October again.

Also, I finally got around to the Vasectomy that started this whole thing. If I hadn’t had a urologist’s phone number handy two years ago, it might have been much different. So my tubes are tied (relatively simple procedure compared to some things that have happened to Mr Happy in the past year.)

More later.

How did I get here?

The last week just vanished. When my wife returned from her trip, I hit the pain pills, and the week got blurry. The pain of peeing was so intense and the advice I got was to keep drinking water. Talking to the Nurse the phrase “urethral trauma” came up.  Complications:  urine is an anti-coagulate, urine is an irritant to blood, and blood triggers an urgency response from the bladder and urethra.

So the pattern became: drink water, wait less than an hour, urgently pee a small bit of urine and some blood and then throb in major urethal pain for nearly an hour until it was time to pee again. This repeated through four days and nights, despite medicine, waking me every 45-60 minutes. I surfed the web, watched 2 seasons of Reno 911 to distract myself, and generally slipped away from the world as I paced from chair to toilet to bed to couch and repeat.

Then Tuesday morning I awoke at 4:45 with an ache in my left side and back. Severe pain again unrelated to the peeing, but so intense. I wondered if it was a kidney? So I called the Urologist on call number and spoke to a very calm dude who asked about bowel movements. Was I cutting back on water to avoid peeing? (yes) was I taking lots of pain medication? (yes) was it possible I was full of shit? (always.) So after about 20 minutes of tears, pacing, shaking and sweating, my bowls moved and the pain switched off like a light. Getting my bowels back to speed required that I drink the requisite water dose, and so I devised a new way to pee where I kept the Klegal muscle tight, but relaxed the sphincter a bit and peed really slowly. No pain, no blood. After five days, peeing became only irritating, if still too frequent. That was the situation yesterday.

Today, I was back in the world. Last night I slept 3 hours straight. I feel pretty good, but I turn 50 tomorrow, and my body isn’t letting me forget some years of neglect.

More later.

This Really Hurts

There is no one else to whom I can complain how much my dick hurts right now. Like really deep pain inside. Where the catheter tore and the chemical is burning. This leads to urgency and that to much more pain.
So my wife’s away and I have the boy to look after, Aaaagggrrrrgh!

Better tomorrow I’m sure.

I have the Bladder of a Fifty Year Old

This BCG series is reminding me about medical treatment and discomfort. I’m bleeding and passing globs of old blood. My urethra is trashed. And I have one more treatment next week. I’m also back to work the next day which is a little tough.

While I was at the nurse Wednesday, getting the BCG, I mentioned that this whole thing had begun over a vasectomy that hadn’t happened. Nurse Mark called in Dr Dogi (pronounced like Hauser) who examined and chatted me up right then. I’m set for a one-child operation in January. And as I feel today, that’s too soon.
Also I discovered that my original urologist, Doctor Hehn had left the business suddenly about six months ago. Glad not to have hitched my wagon (or bladder) to his star.

Now it’s Saturday and the pain is incidental. We forget and we prepare for the next interruption.

LivePrettyStrong

A young friend of my son broke my LiveStrong bracelet while we were playing last month and I’ve decided not to replace it. I want to be thinking of things to come and not reminded of the cancer. I get enough of that at the Doctor office.

So I did see him on Monday and all looked clean and pink inside my bladder. I will start BCG again for 3 weeks next month.

Another Bored Doctor

I saw my Doctor on Monday for a cystoscopy. All was pink and lovely in my bladder. I’m still waiting final results of the fluid they pumped in and out to collect cells (another way to detect,) but my Doc seemed so bored to be there it must be good news. I like the “why are you wasting my time?” attitude just fine.
I think I posted the wrong date last time.
So, we do the scope again in late September and more BCG after that. Just maintenance and watchfulness.

More later.
[update: bladder fluid is negative. I had to call them two weeks later.]

News of My Bladder

Really, nothing too new to report. I am undergoing more prophylactic treatment with the BCG. This week was the second of three treatments and I’m taking it OK. Wednesday is the last dose.

This is part of the ongoing treatment sequence: We do this treatment 2x a year, and scope the bladder every 3-4 months. As long as nothing else shows up, we keep this process going and lenghten the intervals–eventually substituting years for months.

The BCG gives me short-term flu symptoms and I feel wretched for 6-8 hours, but it leaves me quickly. I still have no symptoms and am apparently totally healthy.

Next Cystoscope inspection is 08 June.

 

One Year Ago Today

I Peed Blood.

Now a full year, three surgeries, 9 BCG treatments, 4 cystoscopies, three biopsies, and 39 blog posts later, I’m still here and, in some ways, life is just about the same.

Today, I received my FAA Medical Certificate. I’m healthy and happy and very glad I took quick action last year. I’ve had extraordinary medical care, been a pretty good patient, and had wonderful support from family and friends.

I am scheduled for more BCG in April and another scope in June so the “treatment/prevention” continues.

And I look at my health and my body with less confidence, and more suspicion. That’s the new normal.

More later.

All Good News, At Last

The Nurse just called and started off with “I have good news” so no cancer cells and just some red areas so that’s about 14 deep breaths over the past hour.

This means we fall back to the same treatment plan as before, with more BCG treatments in March or April, and more inspections every 6 months for the life of the vehicle.

Also, I need to get the paper trail going as I renew my flying medical this month. I booked it assuming good news, but now all the paperwork needs to be sent.

It’s good to be healthy, but its all a reminder of the fragility of life.

More later, time to go dancing.

Still Waiting

I had hoped to post the pathology results by now, but no news. Waiting sucks and this has not been a productive week. I’m not going to die right away, but cancer is forever, it really is.

And this lifts my spirits:  http://is.gd/8f7qn

More when I get it.

Third Surgery Complete – No News

Except that the Doctor didn’t hint toward bad news. I’ve a week to wait for pathology, and the surgery was actually a breeze. Very little pain, and an easy wake-up from the general.

I’m rather getting the hang of the patient role and bantering with the staff and answering the questions before they are asked.

Best moment of the day was the woman two beds over in the pre-op area getting praised for low blood pressure and replying:  ”That’s the best thing about being a heart-less bitch; you have nice low blood pressure.”

Anyway, I’m so much less clobbered physically or emotionally than last two surgeries. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.